Time Out…

Has anyone of you gone through this phase when you can’t stand even one social commitment? No office, no boss, no team meetings and no fake smiles? I have. I do. All the time. So, this post is derived from the same phase, triggered by my week long illness and months long hiatus from the blog.

I have come to this stage where I no longer feel the need to apologize for my absence as it has become the most consistent. A lot has been going on in my life since past few months. I am preparing for the civil service exam, absent from my regular day job (writing) and fighting with my own mood swings. And, that’s a lot!

So, this one is my time out post, where I don’t need to fake, pretend to be happy or seek approval from others for what I say. And I am really happy about it. I just want to breathe and be happy about it. I have to say though that I missed being here. Amidst all the hustle bustle that the life has become now a days, I really am missing out on the simple joys of life. Bad! Very Bad.

Nevertheless, the best news is, I am working on my new website, which is a great thing. Isn’t it? So, wish me luck!

Cheers to all!

Stay blessed…

(p.s. In case nobody noticed, I changed my blog theme! Yay…)

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death you are a poem…

I don’t know why I get distraught by the news of deaths. It doesn’t matter if I knew those dying personally or they were related to me, or the fact that I have never even met them. Every time I hear about their exit to the outer worlds, I get depressed. This depression has nothing to do with my ‘fear of death’ as much as the way I feel connected to the mourners. I don’t know why! Be it an acquaintance that died of cancer leaving a 10 year son behind or the new Union Minister of the country dying in a car accident. I feel deep pain and sadness for unknown yet obvious reasons. Even today, as I go through this motley of sadness that surrounds death, I would like to present the complete poem.

It is written by my most favorite Indian, Writer, Poet, Filmmaker, Gulzar. I first came across this in the famous Hindi Movie – Anand. The second time I heard it when The Guy was mumbling it a few days back. It’s the words like this that give you real solace, when your heart seeks peace and the mind gets cloudy. They might not give you all the hope, but they surely enlighten your views about life and death. As I leave you with this poem, I hope that my next post will be far more cheerful and inspiring and far more positive than the recent ones! Along with the original script, I am also providing its translation for easy understanding.

Poem:

मौत तू एक कविता है,
मुझसे एक कविता का वादा है मिलेगी मुझको

डूबती नब्ज़ों में जब दर्द को नींद आने लगे
ज़र्द सा चेहरा लिये जब चांद उफक तक पहुचे
दिन अभी पानी में हो, रात किनारे के करीब
ना अंधेरा ना उजाला हो, ना अभी रात ना दिन

जिस्म जब ख़त्म हो और रूह को जब साँस आऐ
मुझसे एक कविता का वादा है मिलेगी मुझको

 

Translation:

Death you are a poem…
A poem has made me a promise she shall meet me…

When drowning pulse will make the pain to feel sleepy
When the Moon, carrying her golden face will reach the horizon
When days will still be in the water and night close to the shores
There won’t yet be the darkness, neither light, nor night, or day

When the body will be gone and soul will get enlightened
A poem has made me a promise she shall meet me…

story of the world’s worst mood swings…

May 23, 2014

It takes no pains for me to announce that I have the worst and the world’s wildest mood swings. All those close to me can easily vouch to this. I was so pissed with myself for no apparent reasons. Despite that, I am really upbeat today. It has nothing to do with the fact that today is Friday.

May 27, 2014

Well, that was my story saved in the drafts, not too long ago! Upbeat…happy…lively! And today, I am quite down and dusted on the emotional front. I think I have mentioned this once before and that’s what I mean by ‘wild mood swings’. When I am down, I feel like the whole world is against me and I am all alone. Today, however, is a different day and different feeling altogether! Apart from the tears I shed not too long after waking up, I am still feeling like crying for many reasons. Still not being able to manage the art of conversation is going to be my biggest hurdle and I am fully aware of it.

Despite the mood though, I am excited to share the news that my parents are visiting tomorrow, which will make me upbeat, happy and lively – tomorrow! In other news, I am still trying to pursue my long-lost dream of cracking the Civil Service Exam, which is set to be held in August of this year. All said and done, I need to start with adding a hint of discipline into my lifestyle and start opening my mouth at the right time and for the right cause. Communication is the key and I have learned it the hard way, man!

And about the feeling of ‘being alone’ that I often have, I have found out my own psychoanalytical approach to all these apparent ‘sinking’ feelings. They are not really that sinking after all. The kind of social surroundings I am in these days, have made me realize one thing, more often than not, people stick together for a motive! Correct me if I am wrong. I have seen so many friendships/relationships stuck on a simple bond of ‘I am with you, because you help me’.

Sometimes I feel glad that I only bond with the people who I actually care about and vice versa. This is not just sour grapes, I really mean it! But, I have also realized that the feelings of ‘being alone’ and ‘loneliness’ are worlds apart from each other. Honestly, I would prefer being alone than staying in the wrong company. I take pride in myself over a lot of things and one of them is my ability to motivate myself whenever I am down. If you have some better motivational prep up, bring it on!

wish me luck…

I am back from a long hiatus. No it was not a sabbatical neither was it forced. It is called as sheer lack of motivation, immense pressure at the day job and lack of all the rest of the things that really require when it comes to sticking to the original plans. Of course, forget the whole “one blog per week” and “brining the change in my social living” plans. Now, who cares about the travel bucket list and the big, big plans for the self anyway?

Really disappointed with the self for a number of reasons today and it has nothing to do with the fact that it’s Monday. I should have been upbeat about the fact that my appraisal is due and the fact that the parents are planning a visit by the end of this week as well.

Oh, sometimes I really wonder how petty my mind can get. I am mean when I am direct and I hate it. I mean whenever I look back and think of the things I shouldn’t have said to a person. Man, it eats me alive! To top it all up, I have this big ego about me being right (at most of the occasions I really am right). Sometimes I go wrong and come up with venting posts that I am developing into these blog posts these days.

Another thing I have been meaning to regret is the habit of jumping on to the conclusions. It has always been my favorite hobby. It sometimes gets back, whenever it feels like. And when I try to be over smart and come out even more foolish than people think I am…it’s just so terrible! I take pride in myself for a number of things. I might also have a tinge of superiority complex, which overpowers many other things. Low tolerance for stupidity and mind numbingly slow thinkers makes it worse.

With this introduction you must have figured out my mood. No, I am not being hard on myself. I am too self-involved to do that…

Anyways, it’s exactly two months since I published my last post. A lot has happened in these two months including numerous aspirations, opportunities to grow and instances to regret. Amidst this entire chaos, I am growing older and older by the day…Phew…Hopefully, I am back on the track with my once a week blog plan. Wish me luck!

When I Cry…

I don’t cry in front of you because I am weak

I don’t cry because it is something ‘you’ lack

Baby it’s you who makes me the most comfortable in my skin

Nothing else has the power to make me feel the way I feel

When you are holding me the way you do

 

You stopped calling me your strength and I might not be

But you are still my strength and weakness

And you will always be!

When I cry in front of you I don’t look for a solution

I can find that out on my own and you know I will

Fearless of falling, knowing you’ll be there to catch me

I just need your shoulder that says “you belong to me”

 

When I cry and you fear of losing your strength

Please don’t take that comfort away from me

Please don’t take that shoulder away from me

When I cry don’t look away from me!