story of the world’s worst mood swings…

May 23, 2014

It takes no pains for me to announce that I have the worst and the world’s wildest mood swings. All those close to me can easily vouch to this. I was so pissed with myself for no apparent reasons. Despite that, I am really upbeat today. It has nothing to do with the fact that today is Friday.

May 27, 2014

Well, that was my story saved in the drafts, not too long ago! Upbeat…happy…lively! And today, I am quite down and dusted on the emotional front. I think I have mentioned this once before and that’s what I mean by ‘wild mood swings’. When I am down, I feel like the whole world is against me and I am all alone. Today, however, is a different day and different feeling altogether! Apart from the tears I shed not too long after waking up, I am still feeling like crying for many reasons. Still not being able to manage the art of conversation is going to be my biggest hurdle and I am fully aware of it.

Despite the mood though, I am excited to share the news that my parents are visiting tomorrow, which will make me upbeat, happy and lively – tomorrow! In other news, I am still trying to pursue my long-lost dream of cracking the Civil Service Exam, which is set to be held in August of this year. All said and done, I need to start with adding a hint of discipline into my lifestyle and start opening my mouth at the right time and for the right cause. Communication is the key and I have learned it the hard way, man!

And about the feeling of ‘being alone’ that I often have, I have found out my own psychoanalytical approach to all these apparent ‘sinking’ feelings. They are not really that sinking after all. The kind of social surroundings I am in these days, have made me realize one thing, more often than not, people stick together for a motive! Correct me if I am wrong. I have seen so many friendships/relationships stuck on a simple bond of ‘I am with you, because you help me’.

Sometimes I feel glad that I only bond with the people who I actually care about and vice versa. This is not just sour grapes, I really mean it! But, I have also realized that the feelings of ‘being alone’ and ‘loneliness’ are worlds apart from each other. Honestly, I would prefer being alone than staying in the wrong company. I take pride in myself over a lot of things and one of them is my ability to motivate myself whenever I am down. If you have some better motivational prep up, bring it on!

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wish me luck…

I am back from a long hiatus. No it was not a sabbatical neither was it forced. It is called as sheer lack of motivation, immense pressure at the day job and lack of all the rest of the things that really require when it comes to sticking to the original plans. Of course, forget the whole “one blog per week” and “brining the change in my social living” plans. Now, who cares about the travel bucket list and the big, big plans for the self anyway?

Really disappointed with the self for a number of reasons today and it has nothing to do with the fact that it’s Monday. I should have been upbeat about the fact that my appraisal is due and the fact that the parents are planning a visit by the end of this week as well.

Oh, sometimes I really wonder how petty my mind can get. I am mean when I am direct and I hate it. I mean whenever I look back and think of the things I shouldn’t have said to a person. Man, it eats me alive! To top it all up, I have this big ego about me being right (at most of the occasions I really am right). Sometimes I go wrong and come up with venting posts that I am developing into these blog posts these days.

Another thing I have been meaning to regret is the habit of jumping on to the conclusions. It has always been my favorite hobby. It sometimes gets back, whenever it feels like. And when I try to be over smart and come out even more foolish than people think I am…it’s just so terrible! I take pride in myself for a number of things. I might also have a tinge of superiority complex, which overpowers many other things. Low tolerance for stupidity and mind numbingly slow thinkers makes it worse.

With this introduction you must have figured out my mood. No, I am not being hard on myself. I am too self-involved to do that…

Anyways, it’s exactly two months since I published my last post. A lot has happened in these two months including numerous aspirations, opportunities to grow and instances to regret. Amidst this entire chaos, I am growing older and older by the day…Phew…Hopefully, I am back on the track with my once a week blog plan. Wish me luck!

When I Cry…

I don’t cry in front of you because I am weak

I don’t cry because it is something ‘you’ lack

Baby it’s you who makes me the most comfortable in my skin

Nothing else has the power to make me feel the way I feel

When you are holding me the way you do

 

You stopped calling me your strength and I might not be

But you are still my strength and weakness

And you will always be!

When I cry in front of you I don’t look for a solution

I can find that out on my own and you know I will

Fearless of falling, knowing you’ll be there to catch me

I just need your shoulder that says “you belong to me”

 

When I cry and you fear of losing your strength

Please don’t take that comfort away from me

Please don’t take that shoulder away from me

When I cry don’t look away from me!

On Turning 28

As it turns out, I am just one day away from turning 28. I am silently hoping for this apocalyptic breakdown to swing its direction and show up after a few more decades. I don’t want to turn 28 – plain and simple! But then, I didn’t want to turn 27 either! I’ve been pestering those around me with the age-related insecurities since the time I turned 25! The realization of getting closer and closer to the magic number of 30 has been scaring me since I completed the first quarter of my life.

When I turned 27 last year, I co-incidentally read an interesting article about the significance of that age and deaths of many artists! From Jim Morrison to Amy Winehouse, they all had their chances up until they turned 27! Well, I am not scared of death so to speak, it’s the achievements that bother me! When I was in college and started to understand the tremendous ‘value’ life has, I planned number of things for me. These were some general things, which included, love, success, money, and security to travel the world!

In short, I am talking about my ultimate bucket list! It’s like I have wasted so much of time in doing nothing and now the time is showing its importance all over again! As a child, 25 or 28 were just so faraway numbers! Even as I got to my 20’s, I never paid attention to the fact that I’ll soon be head deep in my 20’s fighting for a way out! I’ll be officially, anatomically, and socially old! Apart from my father constantly reminding me to settle down, from Sunday, the rest of the world will also start calling me old.

So, as I prepare myself and those around me to get on with my Birthday Weekend, I am not going to bring in fake optimism with resolutions, futuristic positivity, and ‘you are as old as you feel’ crap! Damn, I am getting old and I want to get wasted enough to forget the consciousness about the space, time, and age. We’ll see if I reciprocate to my age once we are over will this turning 28 catastrophe!

The Couple That Hates Valentine’s Day…

“Valentine’s Day is such a passé!”

“We don’t celebrate Valentine’s day, because every day is a Valentine’s Day for us!”

“Couple reserving dinner tables at some fancy restaurants weeks in advance and still waiting in line to reach one is definitely not romantic!”

You start hearing these and many similar expressions about the “Lovers’ Day” for about a week away from 14th February. Frankly speaking, I may have used one of these statements myself on a couple of occasions. My point is, we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, despite all the views and counterviews and having that feeling of expressing our love towards each other on the very special day. I think, celebration and cold criticism over this lovely tradition both have equally become a big cliché. For us, the reasons are simple and quite personal.

Tomorrow will ring in the fifth V-Day in our lives as a couple and if I am not wrong, we have spent all of them together, if not celebrated! No pre-planning, advanced bookings, fancy restaurants; just the two of us and some tea! Sometimes, a classic movie or random conversations adding up to the charm of spending time in simpler ways. We are still a couple very much in love and we were on the first Valentine’s Day as well. The only difference is, we never realized celebrating this day was such a big deal if we have to prove our love towards each other to the entire world!

I vividly remember our conversation before the first 14th February that we were to spend together. He asked me, “What do you think about Valentine’s Days?” I, obviously having no experience good or bad in that department said, “I don’t think they define love.” And, our thoughts matched! He said, “Me neither!” The chapter was closed then and there and we never really brought it up. Just like the times when he told me that he won’t be giving me any flowers on random occasions, which he finds odd. I said, “I am cool with it. I don’t like them much either. We never brought that topic up too!

Lots of things have happened since then that drifted us apart and brought closer than ever. When I look back at all those years, you know what I realize? None of those things happened on a Valentine’s Day! Did it make that moment any less romantic and hard to remember? They certainly didn’t! Then what’s the point forgetting those days and go all out to celebrate on this day, just because the whole world does it? Who, what and why would we need to prove our love just because others are doing it? Maybe it’s the way we both are brought up or the mindset that we shared for all these years that screwed up our opinions?

If you want me to be reasonable to the core of the initial denial, I have some more reasons:

  • February is the most eventful month of the year, especially for the guy!
  • He has three birthdays lined up to celebrate – his Dad, his Mum and Yours Truly!
  • Poor guy will go bankrupt if he plans on to add one more event to his calendar!

Humor apart, I just have to share a funny thing that happened during one of these Valentine’s Days. It was two years back, when we met after my office like the usual and spent some quality time arguing over something. He dropped me off at my place and took off without even bidding adieu. I thought he was angry (uncharacteristic) and was just venting and will come back anyway. I carried on with the evening with my best friend. As we were strolling near the house, he came back with a red rose in his hand! Imagine my reaction – The Guy with red rose in his hand on a Valentine’s Day!

It couldn’t get more clichéd than that! He hates flowers (I secretly love them) and I hate Valentine’s (I am sure he secretly loves them assuming his gesture). So, there! We did it, the cliché, the love and the gesture. We did it that one time, which may categorize us under all the clichés. But who cares? We are “that couple that hates Valentine’s Day!” Who cares? We are still a couple, madly in love, just slightly different! And yes, we have a movie date tomorrow but that’s because it’s a Friday! Have a Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!