Introspection to Retrospection

Life is full of surprises – this isn’t a clichéd quote anymore. I have always been astonished by its beauty in both shining lights and darkest hours. Life is beautiful. No matter how hard, cruel and powerful it hits, it definitely leaves you with an inseparable companion – experience!

I have been keeping unwell since 1st of August! No surprises, I had too much time to think, contemplate and most importantly, procrastinate! I did everything but contemplate, needless to say! Today on my way to office, however, I realized (read: got enlightened) some marvelous things I thought of in the past 10 days. Dwelling in the past has always been my weak point, especially when I am vulnerable. In similar situation, I was thinking about the random feelings of the past that I have lost touch so far. I thought of listing all the things that I did or didn’t do at some point, which I am going to regret when I am old. I also thought of creating a solid plan for my future, with the guy.

All in all, it was a forced yet constructive hiatus on the professional front. A much needed break. A break that I contemplated for long and procrastinated for the past six months. It was actually the life’s way of putting a break on the pace of my thoughts and plans, I suppose.

In the next few posts, I plan to write more plans and lists of the things I thought and things that caught my attention in these 10 days. Let’s hope I stop procrastinating and start writing – once and for all!

Time Out…

Has anyone of you gone through this phase when you can’t stand even one social commitment? No office, no boss, no team meetings and no fake smiles? I have. I do. All the time. So, this post is derived from the same phase, triggered by my week long illness and months long hiatus from the blog.

I have come to this stage where I no longer feel the need to apologize for my absence as it has become the most consistent. A lot has been going on in my life since past few months. I am preparing for the civil service exam, absent from my regular day job (writing) and fighting with my own mood swings. And, that’s a lot!

So, this one is my time out post, where I don’t need to fake, pretend to be happy or seek approval from others for what I say. And I am really happy about it. I just want to breathe and be happy about it. I have to say though that I missed being here. Amidst all the hustle bustle that the life has become now a days, I really am missing out on the simple joys of life. Bad! Very Bad.

Nevertheless, the best news is, I am working on my new website, which is a great thing. Isn’t it? So, wish me luck!

Cheers to all!

Stay blessed…

(p.s. In case nobody noticed, I changed my blog theme! Yay…)

I’m not going anywhere…

image

(Courtesy: Pinterest)

I just had to share this! Came across this beautiful thought on Pinterest. I don’t know who worded it but beautiful. Isn’t it? Anybody knows who’s the author?

happiness…a state of mind. really?

“Some people can be happy with whatever they got and some others will never be happy even if they got the whole world!” ~ Author Unknown (to me!)

Yes, that’s the thought I read this morning and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since. That’s what idle mind does to you, especially when you are stuck at a traffic signal for more than five minutes! It just wanders and picks its targets with you! Today, this thought was on the list! Anyway! When I think about this line carefully, I cannot help but picture myself living by it. And surprisingly, I find both these people living in me with perfect peace and harmony! yes, I find it strange too! Let’s contemplate, shall we?

Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, a way of living; it is not something to be achieved, it is something to be experienced.”  ~ Steve Maraboli

For me, happiness is still a kind of obscurity, a mysterious state of mind that I never realized I have experienced. Yet, when I start measuring my share of happiness, I always find myself in this ‘state of mind”! So, am I happy right now? Yes, so to say! But…This excerpt from Ayn Rand’s The Virtue of Selfishness makes me dig deeper:

“Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values. If a man values productive work, his happiness is the measure of his success in the service of his life. But if a man values destruction, like a sadist—or self-torture, like a masochist—or life beyond the grave, like a mystic—or mindless “kicks,” like the driver of a hotrod car—his alleged happiness is the measure of his success in the service of his own destruction. It must be added that the emotional state of all those irrationalists cannot be properly designated as happiness or even as pleasure: it is merely a moment’s relief from their chronic state of terror.

Neither life nor happiness can be achieved by the pursuit of irrational whims. Just as man is free to attempt to survive by any random means, as a parasite, a moocher or a looter, but not free to succeed at it beyond the range of the moment—so he is free to seek his happiness in any irrational fraud, any whim, any delusion, any mindless escape from reality, but not free to succeed at it beyond the range of the moment nor to escape the consequences.”

So what is happiness, really? Is it the state of mind, state of consciousness or an irrational whim, which is survived by mere random means? I am really confused now. Yet, when I think about my unhappy state, I often struggle to make peace with my failure. Here by failure I mean the lack of something – a quality, art, virtue or such things that I cannot develop (so I think) now after all these years and am struggling to make my peace with this void. Dancing skills for instance! I have to mention that low self-esteem and lack of confidence and all such things aside, I CANNOT dance. I have made my peace with it. No matter how groovy the beat is and how my vocal cords want me to sing to it, I will sing them but will not dance. Not even at my Best Friend’s Wedding! But, when it comes to admitting them it in front of others, I FAIL. This is the kind of failure I am talking about.

However, I am glad with the kind of ‘unhappiness’ that I often suffer. I envy a lot of people. A LOT! But this envy is nothing remotely close to jealousy or why do they have it and why I don’t. It’s all about what I can do to develop it in me? For instance, flawless writing, a powerful asset for many people I know. Many people I know have a distinct way with words, which I think I lack. I do not wish they didn’t, but I wish to reach up to that level. It is also the reason why I sworn by that birthday resolution not so long ago. What I mean is, I am competitive, but I am never envious over the things that I know I will never have. I know my limitations, which is a good sign no?

I constantly want to find myself perfect. Sometimes visibly and sometimes in other subtle manners (read occasional tantrums, mood swings and obstinate OCD traits) I always try to make them apparent for the people around me. They try to understand me, but not all the time, which wrongs are the equations. Now, will you judge me for being unhappy? Despite being happy, I crave for certain small things of life, like organized closets, shoe racks and book shelves. Would you find me wrong? Does that mean I am one of those people who are never happy even if they got the whole world? I am really confused!

late night call..

A cold Friday night. You are finally happy that the weekend is here. Although not a single friend of yours is around the town, simply the idea of not having to wake up early, puts you in a better mood.

Situation #1:

So it’s Friday night! While you are laying down with a book and planning for a lazy, not-having-to-go-out weekend on the side, your phone rings. Turns out it’s your dad, which is weird. Not because he never calls but because he’s never up this late! It’s almost 12.30 AM and he surely will not reschedule his sleep unless it’s that serious!

You get scared! But have to answer the phone! Turns out your father is having a little party with his close pals and starts missing you. Either he misses you because he’s worried about you or his pals have bombarded him with a series of awkward questions about you! Concerning career choices and marriage perspective et al!

Dad, slightly under influence of his favorite beer has just called to wish you good night! You breathe a sigh of relief as it’s nothing related to any of the above mentioned things and shout at him for calling you this late and scaring you like that!

Situation #2:

You call your beau while taking the evening stroll after office. As per the routine, you just feel this urge to annoy him with all the stupid sweet nothings that happened through the day. You want to tell him how you had the thought of quitting your job, again! Alas! He’s busy with some client or editing works or with friends or his family. He promises to call you back and it just slips out of your mind.

It’s around 12.35 AM and you are trying to sleep while planning on wearing that red dress in case you get a chance to meet him this weekend. He calls! Well, you eagerly pick it up and complain that you’re too sleepy now! Nonetheless, you talk to him for about 45 minutes!

You remind him that no matter how late it gets at night, you will be waiting for his good night call!

Well? I’ve always wondered about this bias of the heart/mind . Why doesn’t it treat both the calls with similar warmth? Why the eager wait in the situation #2 is replaced with anger and worry when the father calls in the midnight? Is a change in perspective called for or does this concern really means the warmth that I mean? Let’s contemplate, shall we?