of broken mirrors…

I am back after the painfully long hiatus. I hope all is well at your end! Being busy with work and handling alter personalities & their data keeping and working in the odd shifts, this time I really had to make time and efforts to write something. Been struggling with some physical troubles with an arm in the sling and all. Anyhow, life goes on!


Something happened on Friday that has stuck in my heart like a broken glass in barefoot. It’s my mirror. Someone who knew everything about me…who was close to me even more than my best friend. The mirror I carried for the last 12 years – not to look at but to look into, broke on Friday. My cousin brother broke the mirror by mistake. I shouldn’t have felt bad about it considering that he has the tendency to break things – accidentally. When it happened, I really acted cool. I didn’t lose temper and I didn’t utter a word. Despite my usual temperamental self, I didn’t react or overreact to the whole situation avoiding the guilt factor on his part. Let’s face it, to others, it’s just a mirror!

So, this mirror was extremely close to my heart for some special reasons. It wasn’t made of some special material or wasn’t a gift from a special someone, still I feel like I have lost a loved one!

We all have this one person/moment/thing/memory from our lowest phase that we have to be thankful for. This mirror for me, represented my victory over my low phase in life. Some things happened with me (story for some other day!) I brought myself to socially acceptable condition with help of only two things – my willpower and this mirror. I used to talk to myself in it. No matter how childish and unnatural it sounds now, I have gained a lot through those self talks. I used to laugh and cry and cheer myself up with help of the mirror when I had the excruciating feeling of being left behind.

Another reason why I feel I should write about the mirror here is, how strong I feel right now, despite losing my only secret-keeper. As much as sad and frustrated I feel about the fact that I’m not really worried that I am all alone again! I only feel that I no longer have the solo witness to my struggles but I am thinking positive about it. These changes are new and unknown to my nature of getting sinking feelings and feeling lost and everything of that sort. Just as a test, I tried to narrate my story to the Guy and he said, I’ll make your mirror as good as new! What he meant by that I don’t know. But, now I know where this positivity is seeping in me from!

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does it even matter?

She often calls herself Morning Glory attributed to her energy graph that drops as the day progresses. Although not a morning person, she’s always energetic and all charged up in the morning. She hates Mondays but always manages to smile before 9 AM, in the efforts to seize the day. This energy however starts dropping as the day is ending,  with dusk being the lowest!

It’s one of those days when everything goes off-color! Perfectly good equations go horribly wrong and all your efforts go waste just because you cannot express yourself! And by express I mean convince others of your motives behind you wishing their goodwill. Has anyone else experienced the same?

So, it started one weekend. She got up by and received his call, saying he’s coming over! Perfect! She thought! He showed up a little earlier than she expected! Great time and happy brunch! A movie show in the evening (pre-planned)!! What more does one need for a perfect start to the weekend, she thought. Just!!!

A casual conversation…her simple question and his casual reply that she took as an insult! That’s it! That was the sign of dropping mood and rising temper for them both! As expected, she went into her shell. She hardly goes there, having been learning the art of conversation the hard way. But boy when she does, she just gets miserable and makes you feel so too!

She started doing the exact! Later in the day amidst a group of friends! She started ignoring him and answering in the same way that she felt he treated her at the brunch! Result? She managed to piss off the most cool tempered person in her life (after her mother!).

The usually calm Him, stormed out of the house and she didn’t even know it! When she got to know, her shellfish mindset and making-him-feel-miserable-self started crumbling into agony! He said, he’s done with the tantrums and is disgusted with her behavior in a group of friends. He said, continue behaving your worst and keep hurting him because that’s what she really enjoys!

Now? Well, nothing but contemplation! About her behavior, his behavior and the perfectly ruined day with a hope of reconciliation by the time that damned movie starts!

My question is – does it even matter? Well, for some obvious reasons:
1. If you love him, why couldn’t you tolerate his one retort?
2. When you keep on being at your sarcastic best, why couldn’t you be more accepting?
3. He NEVER behaves this way and storms out. It’s he who initiates and reconciles. Is it time to give him a timeout?

My suggestions:
1. Start damage control.
2. Vent out in the most positive way – communicate!
3. By communication I mean, apologize!
4. Learn to control your ANGER. At least once!
5. Start dealing with that social awkwardness ’cause it’s harmful!

Is there anything that you would like to suggest to our Morning Glory?

The Art of Conversation

I am missing the good ol’ days and random conversations about absolutely nothing! No matter how much clichéd, coming from me, this sentence needs attention of high priority.

Have I mentioned that conversation is not my strongest suit? In fact it’s the weakest of my assets. I am one of the people who keep nodding along an entire conversation filled with people and their exciting experiences and memories in life. I just get uncomfortable letting my guards down when I am surrounded by a bunch of people. And mind you, this bunch could be a group of relatives, close and not so close friends, colleagues or any random group of people for that matter. It takes awful lot of efforts and patience for a person to bridge a comfortable ‘conversational’ bridge with me. One can easily imaging how many friends I have made throughout my life (can count with 2 fingers!)

Both my friends are true conversationalists! I’d be lying if I don’t admit that both of them are a huge influence on my ability to express myself verbally for even for the most basic things. And today I blame them both for creating this void and urge in me to have those random conversations about absolutely nothing. Yes, they are responsible for me not finding anyone but myself at the receiving end of my random talks! One of them got married and ran off to the most beautiful forests in India and the other one has lost all the conversation skills and limited them to convincing more and more clients over the phone. I never thought I will be saying this, but I simply haven’t talked to anyone! ANYONE!

This is not good! Seriously man! I am worried for my health. Rather than blaming the people who put me on the conversation drugs, I decided to contemplate about taking up a hobby where I can ‘interact’ (sense the urgency!) with more and more people and make friends (oh, don’t give me that laugh)! Here’s my checklist:

  1. Dancing Lessons: Mmm…So far from my house that I will tire myself only in commuting.
  2. Cooking Lessons: I am pretty much accomplished! (haha!) All I need is practice I say!
  3. Foreign Language: Admissions will open only after June! (Cannot believe I had it!)
  4. Film Appreciation Course: Err…not until September!

Oh man! Can’t believe I have nothing to do in order to seek attention from friendly strangers who want to build the conversation bridge and create another platonic friendship with me! Well, never mind! I have added a few more things to my list of gathering attention. How, you ask? Here’s my list:

  1. Reading and reviewing as many books as possible! (Here we go!)
  2. Downloading/buying as many movies as possible and ‘appreciating’ them!
  3. Attending the Film Festival Happening in City coming January.
  4. Celebrating my birthday at the coolest holiday destination in the country!

And last but not the least, my blog! I will not forget a few warm people and exciting blogs I have found on WordPress, which is a reason enough to still believe in the power of a written word and keep on writing! Wow! On paper, all this sounds so exciting! In reality, the fact remains that I am still a loser when it comes to having healthy conversations or friendly vibes. But sure as hell want to talk now. Is anybody listening?

missing smiles…

Time and again, I realise what valuable lesson this life is. Time and again I realise the importance of laughter and happiness. It also makes me realise how little I laugh these days! Where have those unending sessions of LIVING disappeared? The struggle of life is taking me away from enjoying it! And I, really need to do something about it. Such thoughts often hover over my head when I’m depressed with the loss of control on the surrounding situations! Hate it!

Nothing tears me apart like the pain of my loved ones. I just cannot see them suffering and struggling. It really puts me off in every possible way. The whole routine gets disturbed and smiling seems even more distant! Then the motivation to write goes out the window in a flash as well.

Laughter and tears of joy! When I look back in time, those are the things that I really miss. I seldom miss my college days. Although I’ve made some lifelong friendships during those years, I barely miss those days. But just the other day, when I drove past the front gate of my college and I experienced this void that I just cannot describe!

This might be happening because I was missing my friends or because the way I’m missing out on the ‘enjoyment’ part of life with the pain of my loved ones. Anyway, let’s just say that my weekend has started on the same mellow note that I carried most part of the week.

However, since I have promised myself of bringing regularity in my writing, here I am ending my hiatus of all the pain. On the same not though, I’d like to mention that I have not allowed myself to forget the travel bucket list and I am going to start working on it as soon as I get a solid reason to smile! Do you have one for me?